she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
