I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
