first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
