Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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