I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
