i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
