I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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