I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
