She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
