I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
