Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
