You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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