i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
