He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
