Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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