I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
