Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
the liver wants what the liver wants
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
