Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
did i just pee glitter
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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