I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
he thought i was a dude.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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