it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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