Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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