Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
