I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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