im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
