I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
