I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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