I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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