I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
