Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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