4 words: hood of his car
I looked at my own cervix.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
