I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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