I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
