I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
