nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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