To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My vagina is officially offended.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
