I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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