Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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