i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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