I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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