Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
