I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
