I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
