I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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