and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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