I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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