I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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