9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
