I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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