Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
