So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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