Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
