I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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